Characters & Locations

Part 6

Arizona

( The Forth Time Though The Simulation )

2013 - 2021

Since 2013 six years past without making any art as therapy because now Loid had a psychologist and medications to keep his mental health paranoia from interfering with his life any more or ever taking away his 4th boyfriend who was intended to last the rest of their lives together.

Believing in love was unable to save him from being left behind in the Forest of Abandoned Cats.



The Boyfriend in the Forest of Abandoned Cats

seemed to be the exact opposite of Loid's first 3 boyfriends. He worked in an office doing the technical responsibilities for a type of software that helps automate the repossession of various things people buy that they can't afford on credit and miss too many payments. This guy at first only had a few friends and became good at making new friends over the years and everyone loved him. He was a tech nerd and a gamer.

For over 15 years he has been playing his favorite game World of Warcraft (WOW) which is an massive multiplayer online (MMO) role playing game. In the game he makes friends around the country to become a team that is able to accomplish objectives you can't do playing with yourself. New game content is added frequently and he would disappear into this virtual fantasy world during periods of time throughout their relationship. First by himself and eventually online with his virtual 'Friends' as a team to conduct what are called raids. In these raids each team member has a special type of ability that compensates by fulfilling the needs of teammates that are unable to be successful on their own. Talking with each other in real time though headsets they coordinate with each other to accomplish their objectives. Eventually that reaches a climax when together they aim all their magical abilities from every angle in continuous repetition to hit all the weak points in a sustained relentless visually spectacular attack in order to take down the boss DEMON. Near the end of every level there is always a DEMON that needs teamwork to be completely destroyed so they can all move on to the next level to do it all over again... and again... and again... and apparently they feel this is healthy and fun.

He was shy and introverted like Loid but this guy had overcome his childhood trauma to be successful in life that allowed him to afford everything he needed to be happy. With him every weekend in Phoenix there was rarely much to do but stay home relaxing with entertainment in the forms of video games, movies and various TV series. Occasionally there would be few Spring and Fall hikes, movie and dinner nights, various road trips a couple times a year and always a trip to Disneyland when in Los Angeles. There was always something to do and he never appeared bored or unhappy in this simple uncomplicated life they shared as Loid followed his boyfriend and tried to figure out how to understand everyone and be understood. This was the guy's first relationship after just coming out at 30 years old and was intended to be Loid's 4th and final relationship and was convinced this one would last the rest of their lives together. Sharing their lives for years was possible because between them there was trust without need for jealousy because they gave each other freedom and were confidant no matter what happens that they would always come back home because of the mutual respect and love between them.

Living together was comfortable,honest,loving and not difficult because of all the ways they were similar, They had so much in common and never fought over anything serious. Loid's boyfriend's friends never really became his friends because of losing too many of the last 3 boyfriend's friends. That eventually made Loid feel lonely, isolated, crazy again and desperate to make a friend. This 4th boyfriend had a Black Cat named Stan and 6 months after meeting he moved in with his Black Cat into Loid's apartment where he was already living with his own cat Pause.

They quickly became a family eventually the last year they were together even adopted a 3 month old unique puppy named Bear for their first house they had been planing 4 years to become the next step and future for their relationship. Unfortunately and fatally the most important moment in their relationship and plans were forced to be put on hold for over a year because of the lockdown and quarantine caused by the 2020 Global Coronavirus Pandemic. The most extraordinary event in modern history changed life on the planet forever. Loid's irrational behavior during that uncertain and unprecedented year would ultimately end a relationship that was supposed to be able to overcome anything and endure.

Over a year later the shared lifetime together ended just as their plans for the future were finally already in motion with all contracts signed and all doubts reassured. This affirmation of love and their relationship would have allowed them to finally leave behind the small apartment they had already lived for far too long. In reality they each had a very different experience over all those years living their lives together within

The Forest of Abandoned Cats



SCRUFF is a gay social app for men looking for men for friendships and dates by starting conversions with men in the area around you.

All conversations begin mostly from the profile photo who everyone chooses very carefully for only one reason. Men do this with the hope that someone in this world will see something in that first impression profile image that will get someone to make first CONTACT to find out if there could be enough in common to someday both want meet in person. Everyone does this to find out if there is any connection after meeting face to face to decide if there could be any place they might fit in each other's lives.

And that is exactly how after chatting for the last 6 months of 2013 Matt and Loid finally met each other and instantly fell in love.



Loid and his 4th boyfriend in Sedona, Arizona Fall 2015.

Loid doesn't know he is mistakenly convinced that this time will work and he is so confident they will both grow old together because of their mutual unconditional LOVE of each other's broken parts.

Loid has been and always will be a delusional paranoid schizophrenic


Trees around the South East Corner Facing one of many keyed Entry Gates where Matt and Loid shared their lives together for 7 and a half years in

The Forest of Abandoned Cats


December 15, 2013

That guy who was posing next the Delorean from Back to the Future in the first profile image seen of him gave them both the first of many things they would have in common between 2 guys who met at a moment of great change in both their lives and nether were sure who they were or what they wanted or if ether would find anyone who would want them.

After chatting for months they were finally face to face at Loid's place and making some small talk before Matt suddenly asks in the most beautiful awkward way, "Do you want to make out?" Soon they find themselves at the hotel restaurant The Clarendon 3 blocks away getting something to eat and Matt freaks out before their food arrives,"What is this? What is happening? What are we doing here?" Loid, "Getting something to eat. Dinner. Like a date I guess?"

Month later Matt insists as a gesture of trust or something for Loid, who hadn't owned a car in 10 year, to take his big black truck to L.A. for a wedding where Loid would see he's ex from Italy along all his old friends not telling Matt but Loid was sure would be for the last time. Month later after spending every weekend at Loid's place Matt says it's stressing out Stan his cat too much moving back and forth between their apartments and suggests he simply leave his cat with Loid all week! Month later Matt breaks the year lease on his first appointment without roommates he had just got within a month after meeting and suddenly they were both living together in the Forest of Abandoned Cats.

Matt and Loid's first trip together to Disneyland

Road trip / Montezuma's Castile

Road trip / Meteor C rater Arizona

Road trip / Meteor C rater Arizona

In the middle of a desert wasteland Matt and Loid had both gone crazy and did everything they could to stop anyone else from getting in the way of that uncontrollable chemical reaction happening between them.

This unstoppable force evolved in almost all living things to get and keep two together long enough to make more life. This is a process that's been happening for a billions years before humans made it much more complicated than it's original intent. We have still no idea how it started or why it makes us all behave so irrationally that has expected and unforeseen consequences of joy and pain. It's part of what makes life worth living and every language has a word and in English this crazy feeling is called Love.

Loid believed he had found the love he had been searching for around the planet his entire life that he had found and lost 3 times on 3 different contents over 30 decades. Loid's 4th relationship was going to be different because this one would finally prove that after the chemical reaction slowly fades there's so much else between them to keep them tougher and that proof love is more than that first feeling or just a word to describe it because love does exist and is real and sustainable would keep them together for the rest of their lives.

Santa Monica, California

Matt

Another ride on Space Mountain

Their balcony on the second floor in The Forest of Abandoned Cats

Matt's cat Stan (Stan Lee)

Loid's cat Pause

The living room and Loid's desk to the right with Matt's desk diagonally across the room.

Space Shuttle / Los Angeles

Road trip / Desert between Phoenix and Los Angeles

Space Mountain Disneyland, California

Matt was Loid's only boyfriend who loved and appreciated Loid's favorite ride/thing/obsession in the whole world that they went on multiple times every year that they were in Los Angeles for Loid's job.

July 2015

Loid's cat Pause dies of cancer. Baby MIchio Kaku is adopted from the humane society

R.I.P Pause July 13, 2015

3 month old Michio Kaku

Matt and Michio in the bathroom

Stan is Michio's whole world and teaches him how to be a cat

Michio

Papago Park, Phoenix Arizona was the location of too few hikes during their relationship

and another ride on Space Mountain

New Years Eve 2015/2016

Fall 2016

Russia attacks the United States of America.

Not with nuclear bombs but by turning our social media invention against us. Divide and Conqueror is the oldest war tactic.

Loid realizes two things about his father's paranoid delusions imprinted on him as a child. First that even though Russia didn't technically exist anymore 6 months after the death of Loid's father they did ultimately attack us 30 years later and if trump had been smart or cleaver this country would not have survived.

Loid's father was also completely convinced

in the 1970s and 80s that the family's television had a camera and microphone that would use everything we said or did against us.

In 2016 Loid looked around and suddenly realized another prophesy of his father was 30 years off. Because it had already been years everyone on the planet pays a lot of money to get the latest smartphones. Yeah, basically TV screens with cameras and microphones that are always on and always watching and they track everything you do and everywhere you go.

Loid stopped going to the gym the day after the election of 2016 and began drinking a couple bottles of whisky a week until a mushroom trip summer 2019 cured his alcoholism.

April 2018

Loid's mother has the idea to sell her home of 30 years in North Phoenix to Matt and Loid. In the middle of figuring out the details of the monthly house expenses and other factors that would reduce the mortgage to a low cost that was the only way Matt and Loid could have ever afforded a house... suddenly BEFORE any real estate mortgage contracts are signed a guy dressed as Indiana Jone appears on Loid's Google Photos timeline and he becomes so paranoid that this whole house deal is a set up that will be taken away from him at the last moment making him homeless.

Loid puts a complete stop to the real estate deal to buy his mother's home. It takes more than a year to get over his paranoia and agree to move forward once again to buy Matt and Loid's dream home.

3 weeks after calling off the house deal Matt and Loid spend a few days in Las Vegas, Nevada

Star Wars Virtual Reality / Las Vegas, Nevada

Spring 2019

A friend takes Matt and Loid on a quick trip Sunday March 17, 2019 (St. Patrick's Day) This inspires Loid by June to be able to once and completely cure his alcoholism that began when trump was elected.

80s Retro Cover Bands concert / Downtown Phoenix , Arizona

St. Patric's Day

A new Bar opens across the street

T E S L A

Matt is so confidant about the future he buys the futuristic Tesla Model 3 artificial intelligence self driving car.

First and only road trip in the Tesla / Sedona, Arizona

Last Half of 2019

Loid's new job given to him by his boss is to take her online oil painting course, watch all lecture videos and give feedback to help improve the course before launching it on the world next year.... and make art.

Loid got way too fixated on the "make art" part and made the biggest mistake of his life and total miscalculation by experimenting with a drug he hoped would help produce art that would impress his boss. It didn't. She didn't notice or care what Loid made from her class. She only needed positive feedback from Loid about what she knew was already perfect about her endless irritating oil painting course videos.

Oil Painting Course Supplies in the corner of the Living room

Loid's first oil painting
The Tempest

Oil on Canvas 15 in X 30 in

Phoenix, Arizona

Fall 2019

Loid's second oil painting
Wave of Surveillance

Oil on Canvas 20 in X 24 inPhoenix, ArizonaFall 2019

September 2019

A routine tonsils surgery was to be a cure to Matt's debilitating Sleep Apnea. The first night after the surgery was spent in the emergency room at the hospital 3 blocks away because his airway was blocked by swelling.

The next day Matt was home 24 hours later and had just sat down on the couch to finally eat a bowl of ice cream that he had been looking forward to since before the surgery. Before finishing one bite Matt stood up with a look of horror on his face and began to vomit... BLOOD.

Rivers of blood vomited from Matt's mouth everywhere all over everything as he ran across the living room towards the bathroom. Loid follow the trail of blood that was splashed across the hallway cupboards to find Matt hunched over the bathtub continuing to vomit what appeared to be gallons of blood (See Bathtub Below).

911 was called and the huge, noisy chaotic scene in their small livingroom was over and out the door as quickly as it had all began leaving Loid in absolute silence in their apartment covered in Matt's blood. Loid experienced psychosis convinced that no one could survive loosing so much blood. He began running around the apartment screaming out loud,

"I've Lost Matt! I've Lost Matt! I've Lost Matt".

Matt was OK and home within a couple hours.

Loid was never the same again and almost 2 years later Loid would spend more than month having memory lapses after losing everything where he would continually scream out loud,

I've Lost Matt!!!

I've Lost Matt!!

I've Lost Matt!

I've Lost Matt


Manifesting Loid's psychotic vision after Matt appeared to have died in front of him.

"Making a Choice in the Wasteland of the Crystal Meteor"

Oil on Canvas 30 x 20 inches
Loid's 4tth and final oil painting


Loid wasn't even invited to the costume party with Matt's new drinking friends

Rejected by his boss and dumped for the first time by Matt... Loid begins work on putting together all his lifetime of art, photography and life story onto a website to understand who he is without Matt and Kimberly

2020

February 2020

2 months before what would have been the second attempt to buy Loid's mother's home Matt's black cat Stan dies and a week later 3 month old Bear is adopted from the humane society. Loid finally said yes to Matt's need of having a dog because the plan was to buy and move into their new 3 bedroom house with a backyard within 2 months.

R.I.P.. Stan 2/20/2020

Humaine socity website photo of what Loid sent to Matt as a joke because this little stuffed teddy bear didn't look real. The next day Matt sent the photo back to Loid and asked,"Can we go pick him up?". Loid thought he could see their bright future in their new house and instantly said,"YES".

Loid, Bear and Michio

Bear at his first veterinarian check up

March 2020

COVID-19 Coronavirus Lockdown / Quarantine

The plan to buy Loid's mom's house is put on hold indefinitely along with the plans of everyone else on the planet.





Almost instantly Michio and Bear get along and will eventually miss each other a year later when Bear is only in the apartment half the week

April 2020

COVID-19 Coronavirus Lockdown / Quarantine

Loid looses 75% of his anxiety medication just before losing his psychologist who he saw twice a month and was dependent on for over 6 years.

Loid looses 75% of his job by sending his boss an email trying to explain his insecurities about taking her Master Class of oil painting.

Loid begins abusing methamphetamine nightly to escape the nightmare the days have become. His cries for help go unanswered and completely ignored by the staff of Behavioral Health at the Phoenix Indian Medical Center.


Matt and Loid's bedroom with painting "Wormholes are more common than you think" by MARS 1

Bear grew up so fast in such a small apartment




When the 2020 Coronavirus lock downs and quarantine began Loid purchased the iPad Pro, Apple Pencil and the painting app ProCreate. With those tools he invented a new form of Art.

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After a month of frustration at being unable to draw or paint anything that he liked, he found ProCreate's radial symmetry guide. The symmetry guide is a tool that is present in every painting and drawing program that has ever existed. That is when he stopped TRYING to make art and instead began to slowly and deliberately PULL infinitely random abstract art into this world from some other dimension where it seemed to have already existed. He had done this 20 years earlier while living in Rome, Italy with the painting program Corel Draw where he created about 10 paintings that his oldest friend told him looked like mandalas. The words Symmetrical Painting seemed to describe this new form of art better than the word mandala. Mandalas are always circular, much more repetitive and evoke prejudged design expectations. All paintings on this website began as random scribbles made while in a trance like state trying to deal with a period in modern history that at times felt like the end of the world. These paintings are some of Loid's favorites out of over one thousand that he created throughout the unforgettable year that was 2020.



Symmetrical Paintings

Procreate + iPad Pro + Apple Pencil

Phoenix, ArizonaQuarantine Spring - Summer 2020


Matt said,"You know Loid... it just doesn't look like anything".

Loid's quarantine laser tweaked out desk and office space

2020 Baby Bear makes a toilet paper mess

2016 Baby Michio makes a toilet paper mess

Summer/Fall 2020

COVID-19 Coronavirus Lockdown / Quarantine

Loid takes Bear for walks morning, afternoon and nights and keeps Bear feed and watered. Matt about once a week hangs out with his friend Gary at the dog park where Bear gets to run and play with other dogs for one hour.


The Dog Park

Matt asks Loid to become domestic partners so he can get on Matt's insurance and get professional help with his addiction

Our only hike with Bear / Papago Park Phoenix, Arizona

Michio sleeping with Bear's toys

Interior Tesla Model 3 Artificial Intelligence Self Driving Car


January 1st, 2021

Loid was on top of the world because not only did he survive 2020...

trump lost reelection... Matt and Loid became domestic partners... Loid got his first raise in 10 years... he got a new psychiatrist and a new psychologist who gave him a plan to quit successfully by slowly reduce meth use over the entire month of January.

January 5th, 2021

Loid has all the symptoms of a panic attack

but these symptoms last too long and he goes to the emergency room 3 blocks away fearing a heart attack which it was not. 3 days later Loid understands that he has a pinched nerve running from his upper left back though his chest and down his left arm. For the next 2 weeks hardly able to sleep and every waking moment of everyday feels to Loid like he is about to collapse and die from the pain of having a heart attack. By Monday Loid's boss see this as an excuses to not be preforming as expected after receiving a $500 a month raise just 3 months before.

Around midnight 3 days later Loid is convinced he will not survive until morning because of the never ending pinched nerve/heart attack pain. He believed this website was done and good enough except he had one question only his boss (The Goddess of All Things Art) could answer. He sent her an email 3 paragraphs long with a link to this website and a link to view his yearlong art project that produced hundreds of Symmetrical Paintings asking if any of that content would allow Loid to use the word "ARTIST" to describe himself on this website.

January 14th, 2021

Loid awoke at 8am to the sound of his phone ringing and it was his boss.

She basically screamed and belittled him. She exclaimed loudly,"TOO LONG... DIDN'T READ IT!" Yet somehow she took the last line of the email about Loid's insecurities about calling himself an artist because no one has ever bought his art and few have even seen anything Loid has done and and she became ridiculously offended.

She accused Loid of implying that she was only an artist to make money... which is obviously not true because her family is very well off and she doesn't need to make money and selling her paintings to put food on her table for her family or even do anything but sell her paintings for the joy and honor that someone in the world liked her art so much that they paid for it probably hanging her paintings in living rooms around the world. That is the same for any non-starving artist unlike Loid who will be starving shortly without his job with or without anyone ever paying him anything for his art.

Before hanging up the call she made it perfectly clear that his 1 AM email was nothing but a waste of her precious time ruining her morning already at 8am. She never answered the question ask by a man who had worked for her 18 years.

Loid's boss spends the next 4 months slowly eliminating all of his responsibilities in the cruelest ways possible. This all begins with a new software his boss shows him that she insisted he learn and to get used to because it is for them to use together for their future.

Only after a few weeks is it realized that this new software actually makes Loid obsolete and his boss doesn't need him anymore because this new software completely replaces him.

The homepage of this website uses the word Artist to describe who Matt said once Loid Larson was to him.

May 2021

A week AFTER all real estate mortgage contracts are signed Matt sends Loid a photo of a guy dressed like Indiana Jones. A new guy Loid's partner shows him that he insisted Loid learn to get used to because it is for them to use together in a 3 way. A week later Matt is left alone in their apartment for the longest time in their entire relationship and he has sex with Indiana Jones without permission while Loid is in the hospital 3 days for a random unscheduled surgery.

Suddenly 3 days later"Brad" is just a "friend" for their future and Matt informs Loid that they will be hiking together Saturdays from now on and that Loid might someday be invited if he gets himself presentable and doesn't say or do anything crazy that might embarrass Matt in front of his new hiking "friend".

Loid encourages this new friendship for both of them because they needed a friend that would help keep them from being lazy and get them hiking and exercising outside in nature more often.

Loid allowed this without jealousy because he loved and completely trusted Matt with his life and their long term open relationship. They needed friends like Brad in their new lives as they were 2 weeks away from moving into their first house with all mortgage contracts finally on this 3rd time signed and the house bought just a couple weeks before.

In less than 3 weeks after Matt and Brad's first sexual encounter and first hike is it realized that this new guy actually makes Loid obsolete and Loid's domestic partner in their 7 1/2 year relationship doesn't need him anymore because this new guy completely replaces Loid.

This life shattering event for Loid mirrored almost exactly what his boss had done with software just a couple months before eliminating him from his job and her life.

Except that for this next loss of the last half of his identity, purpose in life and future Loid was replaced the night before movers were arriving at 8am to move them into their first house.

This was extraordinary because Matt chose to live with Brad instead of Loid in the the only house they could have afforded because it was Loid's mom's home given up for them by her only because of her love for son and his partner of so many years. She loves them both and believes they love each other and that they would grow old together and never be alone in that house as she had grown old alone there over 30 years by herself.

Always exactly when Loid has finally accepted, wants and can visualize the future that they have made plans to share together with love including a house with a feeling of home, sometimes a pet or two and all the boyfriend's friends who will be Loid's friends forever... absolutely all of it is unexpectedly and suddenly already gone before Loid even realizes what has happened.

In these moments it is easy to believe that Love is some kind of delusion only suckers like Loid fall for by watching films about love and endless love songs that are really just products to be sold to make money off the gullible who all desperately need to believe Love will somehow save them and the whole world.

Matt's last minute choice not to compromise and instead make a binary choice of a random option that fulfilled his needs at the moment ended his future with Loid. This choice was made without emotion or thought for the plans already in motion with all real estate mortgage contracts signed or their plans for the future or the painful consequences Loid would obviously suffer by instantly putting an to end their relationship at the exact moment they were both about to prove to each other that love is real and does exist and has always existed between them both.





"Don't be naive Loid. Love isn't real. Love doesn't exist. Love is just the nice way to describe how people use each other to get what they want. When you're not getting what you want you simply move on to someone else."

Said to Loid by his Italian boyfriend while walking on the beach in Italy

2005






The night before movers where coming at 8am Matt hugged Loid after agreeing on a compromise.

The compromise was for them concentrate on unpacking, renovating and personalizing their new home and after 2 months they could invite this new "friend" over for dinner to welcome this person into our home and our lives. Matt could continue to develop his 3 week old "friendship" with Brad (Indiana Jones) and their plans to go hiking that Loid was also looking forward to occasionally joining.

Less than 20 minutes later Matt instantly, abruptly, unexpectedly and incomprehensibly ends their 7 1/2 year relationship and 3 years of delayed plans for their first house just hours before moving in the next morning. With Brad next to him in support Matt sends a cold simple text message to Loid who he had just hugged and left alone in their apartment to tell Brad the compromise that would ensure none of them would be hurt ...

"I don't give a fuck about the house. But I want to be with him."

Matt's last minute decision against Loid eliminates all that was left of his identity, purpose and meaning in life after just loosing his job of 18 years the month before. Loid's life, love, home, family and future are all instantly and permanently gone before Loid even realizes or can even comprehends what just happened.

Will this 4th failed relationship be Loid's last? It was impossible for him to imagine his future after losing what was by far the best and most important relationship of his life. Loid was incapable of preparing for such a random, abrupt end to his entire life and and a future that took him 3 years to convince himself and get over paranoid fears that his mom's home that she gave them would be taken away just before or just after moving in.

What did happen was worse than his paranoid fears because it wasn't the vast global conspiracy that destroyed him... it was far worse because it was actually just Matt. His last minute choice instantly ended their entire life and future together that would take over 2 months before Loid even understood what had really happened that last week before moving into their first house that they could only afford because it was a gift from Loid's mom. Matt leaving Loid for another man was something never imagined possible. How could Matt let himself fall in love over the 3 weeks before finally moving to their first house after years of planing with thousands already spent on home renovations?

The only reason this happened was because Loid loved Matt so much and unconditionally and always trusted Matt with his life and their relationship. Loid felt confident allowing Matt to make a new "friend" and go hiking together because they both would benefit from more friends in their lives especially a friend to modevate them both to get exercise outside more often. Up until the night before the move Matt continuously tried to convince Loid and himself that Brad really was just a friend. Without regret, remorse or hesitation Matt turned upside down and inside out the most important positive change in their 7 1/2 year relationship together. Matt desided for himself to abandon Loid in their tiny dirty apartment and within a week he was living in the only house he could have afforded that he saw as nothing more than a logical finacial real estate disicion. within a month Brad went from sleeping in the house that had been Loid's mom's home for 30 years to moving in to live and officially replacing Loid in Matt's heart, mind, life and home. Matt emphasized to Loid after a month that he decided to NOT have an open relationship with Brad. Loid imagined that was important to him in order to avoid karma repeating such a betrayal of trust back on to Matt in the future.

Loid was completely unaware that his whole life and future could be taken away so quickly and unstoppable because it already happened. Matt chose a man he barely knew to take Loid's place in Matt's thoughts, heart, home and future. Brad was given Loid's life where he was just hours away from having everything needed to become himself again and be better than every before to earn Matt's forgiveness for the biggest mistake of his life. Matt did not know if he could ever see Loid as the same man that was once easy to love and live with so he simply chose to pursue a last minute alternative that was suddenly and randomly presented to him.

Matt had lost patience with Loid and all his panic attacks, emergence room visits and excuses why he could not simply stop his drug abuse on his own without complaining about all the mental health professionals that would not help him. Matt thought of his own needs and future and convinced himself that he had no other choice than to leave Loid behind in the apartment where they lived their entire relationship. What, when and how Matt ended their future together was far beyond Loid's worse paranoid fears that had stopped them from buying their home 3 years before. This unanticipated end of everything was more shocking, painful and destructive than his previous 3 failed relationships combined!

About a week later Matt moved into and began his new life in Loid's mother's house that the week before in his break up text to Loid said he didn't give a fuck about. A month later Brad moved into the house and began living the life with Matt that Loid struggled for 3 years to convinced himself was his future and would be sustainable the rest of their lives together in love.

Loid fears that being left behind completely alone by his true love and only man in the desert who knows him and knows he is alone. They both know Loid is in a trap that could easily become a dark, isolated, unhealthy meaningless future that may be permanent and inescapable. Losing Matt makes it inevitable that there will be no one left in the world who will notice or even care that Loid may still be alive, lost and completely alone in

The Forest of Abandoned Cats


I've Lost Matt!!!

I've Lost Matt!!

I've Lost Matt!

I've Lost Matt

I've Lost


Loid's Mother's Home

May 2021

Just 3 weeks before moving into their first home that had been organized and planed for years. Loid was shown a profile photo with a guy dressed as "Indiana Jones" all the while being reassured that this guy was only a "friend". Matt's new 'friend' suddenly was giving him that feeling called love he wanted but didn't have the experience to understand it doesn't last long. This overwhelming biological feeling evolved to make all lifeforms irrationally need to come together to reproduce and in humans that temporary chemical reaction between 2 people makes everyone act irrationally and make choices without thinking of the consequences or understanding that after that initial feeling fades away it must be replaced with enough good reasons that are more real and that show and continually demonstrate to each other real loving relationship that will be strong enough to keep them together as long as possible.

The exact same powerful chemical emotions that made Matt and Loid act irrationally 7 and a half years ago when they instantly fell in love. After less than 2 months dating Matt insists Loid take his black truck for a week trip to a wedding in Los Angeles where Loid would see his ex-Italian boyfriend and all his old friends for the last time. Loid believed this was a test of trust but at the same time Matt was demonstrating how strongly he felt for Loid and needing that same strong feeling in return.

A month later after spending every weekend together at Loid's place. Matt had been bringing his back cat Stan with him each time and soon convinces Loid to just keep Stan at his apartment because it's too stressful for Stan moving between both their apartments so much.

Loid said OK knowing it would only be a matter of time before Matt would be joining Stan in his apartment. Weeks later Matt got out of the year long lease for his first apartment he had just rented within a month of meeting each other. Living together the temporary irrational biological feeling called love slowly faded and was was replaced with real feelings and actions that connected them and demonstrated a sustainable relationship living together that Loid believed was the true meaning of the word love.

This new feeling of love with Loid's last minute replacement met Matt's needs at the moment Loid was loosing his job of 20 years job that was his identity and self esteem. Matt could not see or care to consider the consequences that HOW and WHEN he made this choice for himself would quickly and completely take away all that was left of Loid's entire life, future and sanity.

The 4th boyfriend and the man he chose to live with him in Loid's mother's house and all their friends are almost everything Loid would ever need to be happy.

A whole lifetime of experiences shared together had less value than some guy that felt good in a random moment where Matt was left alone for 3 days while Loid had a procrastinated random unscheduled surgery 3 weeks before moving into their dream home where Loid believed up until the last night before moving they would live the rest of their lives and grow old together.

Brad and Loid are refections that… are the same age… both work from home…. are both seriously damaged by past relationships….. both have something that’s not acceptable for 48 year old men… Loid doesn't have car and Matt has always compensated for that... and Brad lives with his mom and doesn’t have his own home… of course Matt is compensating by giving him Loid's mother's home. She gave Matt and Loid her home with love believing that Matt loved Loid and her son would never be alone because they would grow old together in that house where she grew old over the past 30 years.

Most likely this is because his second boyfriend is just the second of likely many times Matt will be caught in his own mirrored fractal repeating relationship pattern that after 4 tries that all eventuality ended exactly the same way Loid found impossible to escape his own repeating pattern in his lifelong global search to find unconditional love that had failed after more than 3 decades.



Theory of Love & Jealousy and the Break Up of Matt & Paranoid Loid
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The uncontrollable emotions of falling in LOVE... like Matt had for Brad that Saturday night before we were to move into our first house was when I believe Matt fell in LOVE with Brad. The emotions of LOVE are difficult to control natural chemical reaction in the body that evolved to bring all living things together to reproduce. It makes all animals and human beings… especially MATT go completely crazy! It makes HUMANS behave irrationally (especially because Matt is gay. Because for gay people there is factually no reason for us to have sex or the emotions of love because we can't reproduce) and Matt was literally incapable biologically of thinking of the consequences of his words and actions over that final week together before moving into their first house.


((((((( I can so easily forgive that and love Matt even more because I can really really relate to being driven crazy by love. First 2 times I fell in love, Paranoid Loid got planes to fly to foreign countries BY MYSELF! To live for extended lengths of time for the overwhelming feeling of LOVE. Of course irrationally without thinking of the consequences of a paranoid guy making everything get worse for myself when my relationships that helped me be sane for a little while end suddenly making me go even more crazy permanently upon returning to the realities and unavoidable English language of life in the United States of America.

I believe at first I didn't feel paranoid in these countries because my difficulties just to speak and understand a whole other language and culture kept my brain so busy it didn't have time or energy to create paranoid delusions to explain the unknown details around me. Because absolutely everything was unknown in these foreign lands and the experiences kind of made me feel like I was 5 years old experiencing the world and describing it with language for the first time. )))))))


and then Matt really needs to understand this part....


The uncontrollable emotions of JEALOUSY... like Loid knowing Matt was falling in love with Brad that Loid only realized that last Saturday night before our move when I believe Matt fell in love even before he knew it himself! The emotions of JEALOUSY are a difficult to control natural chemical reaction in the body to make living things reduce competition and keep the mate they chose for reproduction. It makes human beings and especially LOID go completely crazy! It makes Loid have psychotic episodes where he uncontrollably behaves irrationally (especially because Loid is gay. Because for gay people there is factually no reason for us to have sex or the emotions of Jealousy because we can't reproduce) and Loid behaved in an abnormal way that Saturday night exaggerated by psychosis earlier that day before the most stressful week of Matt and Loid’s relationship. Loid was literally incapable biologically of thinking of the consequences of his words and actions over that final week together before moving into their first house.


I realized after 2 months that I was so confused and asking Matt too many times... "WHY?" because I had a psychotic episode that last Saturday a week before moving that lasted 3 weeks. I can barely even remember what happened because the Loid that Matt knew most of our relationship was literally not there. Just like in 2012 and 2013 where I only recalled what had happened months and years later.


I've Lost Matt!!!

I've Lost Matt!!

I've Lost Matt!

I've Lost Matt

I've Lost






The Forest of Abandoned Cats
June 2021 - Present





Loid lost his entire identity, life, love and future during the Spring of 2021.

After being left completely alone and on his own he could not and did not give up hope. He knows this is a process that will take time, effort and patience to successfully pull himself out of the darkness where he was abandoned and lost everything and everyone.

Loid knows he must succeed in becoming himself with self esteem again to find and keep relationships to improve his quality of life. That will be the proof sought after for so long that love is real and does exist. That continues to be his inspiration and dreams of a better ending to this story.

Right up until the night before the move Loid was completely convinced and truly believed that after surviving 10 years in this tiny space he would finally be rescued by Matt's unconditional love.

The help that eventually came was too little and far too late.
Matt and Psychologist Dr. Curt Hill


Loid was able to finally quit the most addictive drug on the planet by himself with love and support from Matt. Exactly a week after losing everything Loid told his only 'friend' in the desert wasteland 75% of his life story over 4 hours which is the subject of this entire website. At which point the 'friend' was running in horror towards the front door to exit needing to vomit and their relationship would never be same.


Loid's desk with "Bugged" speakers and The Technological Singularity video playing on the computer monitor.


It was very difficult for Loid to escape the trap he fell into because only the existence of love can save him and allow him to finally leave The Forest of Abandoned Cats


The Technological Singularity

I've Lost Matt!!!

I've Lost Matt!!

I've Lost Matt!

I've Lost Matt

I've Lost

Loid Larson and The Technological Singularity

CHRONOLOGY